OMakes
by elisa-didlittle
Summary: A collection of omakes I've written for other stories so authors can link to them. Fanfiction for fanfiction.
1. The Strange Disappearance of SallyAnne P

A/N: When I review people's stories, sometimes I write a little snippet or omake in the review. These mini-fics explore aspects of the original story that I thought interesting, or funny. The most recent one I posted was for Luan Mao's story "The Calling". He asked if he could link to it, and I realized I've been writing these things and not posting them. So here goes...

* * *

**Omake for **"The Strange Disappearance of SallyAnne Perks", Chp 9 (Story id = 6243892 )****

A/N: Paimpont wrote a story involving a timeturner and the Mirror of Erised. I wrote a cautionary tale of the first time traveller.

* * *

Harry sat on the floor of the upstairs room at the Hog's Head. A quiet empty room, with no furnishings other than a portrait of a young blonde girl with blue eyes.

"Back again, Harry?"

Harry looked up. He was unsurprised to see his Headmaster standing above him. Deja vu, all over again.

"Yes. You've already seen my fondest wish. And now I've seen yours. She was a beautiful girl. Sweet and way too trusting of her older brother."

"Harry, that was a different time-"

"A Different Time. Yes it was. 1896. Electricity was revolutionizing the muggle world. Radio, the telephone, X-rays. The first cars, zeppelins crossing oceans. There was no end to the ingenuity of Man. And then a muggle science-fiction novel fell into the hands of a wizard. The Time Machine.

"What would a wizard make of Wells' theories of time travel? Most would scoff, but not the great Albus Dumbledore. He dove right into the forbidden intricacies and paradoxes of time travel. You built the first one, didn't you. That time turner you gave Hermione. That was yours. Was it the same one you let Arianna test? An 11 year old girl lost amidst the currents of time. Did you give it to her on Christmas? A pretty Christmas present for a pretty girl. Did she smile adoringly at her clever older brother? Did she say goodbye before you banished her into the wastelands of time?"

"You don't under-"

"Understand? Of course I do. You were a brilliant young wizard, at the dawn of the Electrical Age. A great mind possessed of a great idea. But then the Unspeakables came and took away your little toys. And Arianna had already met herself, hadn't she. The first rule of time travel Hermione told me: We can't be seen. Solid advice for a budding young time traveler like Hermione. But a century too late for sweet Arianna. And whenever she manages to return to this place, this time, the Unspeakables grab her first before you can. They grab her and lock her up in their dungeon of horrors. They are called Unspeakables for a reason. We can only imagine the tortures inflicted on their subjects of study. She's escaped twice that I know of. Perhaps you know of more. But they always catch her and lock her away. "

Dumbledore looked murderous. "You know nothing!" he raged.

"Perhaps. I certainly don't know if you intended Hermione or me to be lost in time when you gave her that time turner. Hermione: a young mudblood too clever by far to be allowed to steal your thunder. Or me, a young Child of Destiny too powerful by far to be allowed to steal your thunder. It doesn't matter, though."

"No, I expect it doesn't," Dumbledore sneered as he raised his wand against Harry. It was a real shame that the great headmaster wasn't looking behind him, as Hermione stepped up beneath Harry's invisibility cloak and injected a small amount of Pestilential Poppy extract into the headmaster's neck, one of the more effective magical narcotic plants found in Greenhouse 6. She then turned the time turner back 1 turn, and draped it over the Professor's head, sending him 20 minutes inti the past. To meet himself. To create a paradox. To be grabbed by the unspeakable Unspeakables in their dungeon of horrors.

Harry pocketed the wand he took from Dumbledore's hand before he went into the past. The Elder wand, legend said. A wand of great power, for a man of great destiny. Son of an unspeakable Unspeakable who policed the currents of time in her dungeons of horrors. Before Albus Dumbledore got his revenge, and set up the young mudblood and all but destroyed the Potter line.

There was a momentary shimmer in the far corner of the room, almost like another invisibilty cloak. Harry bowed towards the shimmer before it disappeared, back to their dungeons of horrors.


	2. Rise of the Wizards

**Omake for "Rise of the Wizards", Chp 9 (Story id = 6254783)**

A/N: "Rise" is about how a small error in communication and a bit of paranoia can lead to unfortunate consequences. Thing is, Dumbledore has a bit of a history with this sort of thing... first Tom, Than Harry, then...

* * *

(May 2, 1997)

Albus Dumbledore stood before the enraged teen. His office long since completely destroyed, along with the entire 7th floor of the castle.

"No Harry, You don't understand. The abuse by the Dursleys, the betrayal by Remus, Miss Granger and the Weasleys, the secret Order surveillance. Everything I have done has been for the greater good."

Harry looked at Dumbledore with tired and dead eyes. He'd given everything he had to the "Light" and what had it gotten him. Maybe Tom had the right of it all along.

_"CRUCIO!"_

(July 31, 2020)

Dick Farthing sat on his bed and spoke to an ancient man in the stange robes and the long white beard.

"So to recap: I am a wizard. People call me 'The Boy Who Will Save' and I have to vanquish two Dark Lords."

"Yes, my dear Boy"

"Ok. Now the first Dark Lord was your student, the Heir of Slytherin, but he went mad when you wouldn't protect him from muggle bullies; he believed you were setting him up as a patsy in your fight with Grindlewald. The second Dark Lord was your student, the Heir of Slytherin and Gryffindor, the 'Boy Who Lived,' and HE went mad when you wouldn't protect him from muggle bullies, Slytherin bullies, Ministry bullies and yellow journalists; and HE believed that you set him up as a patsy in your fight with Voldemort, tried to steal his wealth, and enslave him to false friends who were really your agents."

"Exactly. Oh my Boy you are a quick one!"

"Thank you. OK, now both of these boys were highly paranoid because of their abusive muggle upbringing, and mis-construed your well intentioned concern for their happiness as Evil Svengalian manipulation to turn them into your willing puppets. It was all a big misunderstanding."

"Exactly! 100 points to Gryffindor!"

"But I haven't been sorted yet."

"No matter, I know about these things. Yes-Gryffindor, you will do well in red. It is a shame about your unkind foster family, but family is family, and we must always hope for the best. Love is that which suffers quietly for the grace of others. We can only hope that they see the light and one day become the loving parents I envisioned when I placed you with them 10 years ago."

Dick looked up sharply. This old geezer stuck him here with these damn bastards. Years of being screamed at and beaten, beging bullied by these muggles, just like those two so-called dark lords. All because one senile old bastard with a Gandalf fetish feels the need to play God by leaving powerful young wizards to be abused by evil muggles. Well, third time's the charm. Best to nip this in the bud now before this lunatic destroys another wizard's childhood. Perhaps it wasn't too late to join forces witht he older Dark Lords and take the bastard out.

"Oh that was you? I...see. Well then, I would be happy to attend your school in September. By any chance do you have a spare owl? In case I have any questions or some such. After all, forewarned is forearmed."


	3. Feeling Like a Girl

**Omake for "Feeling Like a Girl" (Story id = 6591208)**

A/N: "Feeling..." is a story about Harry getting the short end of any conceivable stick. And this is a story of Harry getting the short end of rescuing damsels...

* * *

Unlike the Dragon task, this most recent Tri-Wizard event was actually fun. Sure, swimming in the frozen murky waters of Loch Ness in Feburary might not appeal to everyone, but the potent combination of gillyweed and firewhiskey could banish even the worst Scottish winter chill. And the friends he made in the undersea world would last a lifetime.

At first, he couldn't understand why Ron was HIS hostage. Krum got to rescue Hermione - lucky Bulgarian bastard. Diggory got to rescue Cho - ok, he's not a Bulgarian, but he's still a lucky bastard. Both of those lovely girls would be clad in their lovely little bikinis, batting their lovely doe eyes at their heroes who held them safe and close, while the frigid wintry water played with their nipples. Lucky sodding bastards, the both of them.

And what of Harry Potter? The bona fide hero, "Savior of the Wizarding World" and Three Time defeater of the Dark Lord, trolls, giant spiders and basilisks, had to make due with retrieving his ugly, boorish, traitorous ex-best-friend-forever - clad in a rather grimy grey brief. God he felt ugly just being around him. Instead of lovely doe eyes, his bloody reward would probably be watching Ron stuff his gob with some poor unfortunate lake creature. Yuck!

But then Harry had a thought. After all, when life throws you a pumpkin - well, you back away because pumpkins are heavy and would leave a bruise.

'This IS a very dangerous task, full of dangerous creatures in treacherous waters. And there weren't many, or ANY, witnesses around. And though Harry would do his heroic best, he certainly couldn't be blamed if his traitor ex-best friend succumbed to the calamitous frosty depths of the cursed loch.'

So Harry began his plan, which he unofficially dubbed "Operation: Best Friend Hereafter." OK, maybe not the best name, but he could fix that later.

Initially, when he noticed Fleur being attacked by the grindylows, he decided that what was good for the Veela was good for the disgusting traitorous scum. But no joy. The grindylows weren't biting. Literally. Even though he pantomimed a Weasley feeding frenzy. So Harry poked Ron with his hunting knife and rubbed his belly invitingly. Instead, the grindylows backed up a bit and held their noses in disgust. Damn, Ron didn't just have bad taste, he apparently tasted bad as well. So Harry tried batting his lovely doe eyes, but the grindylows just didn't swing that way.

Plan B: Harry would return to the mermaid village and rescue Fleur's hostage. He would leave Ron unattended, "just for a moment," and when he got back he would discover Ron being eaten by insane blood-thirsty mermaid things. But no joy. The mermaid things were all busy watching something on shell-a-vision. So Harry picked up their sharp forky thing and stabbed Ron and made "Yum-Yum" sounds. The mermaid things ignored him and went back to watching "Baywatch." Pamela Anderson was being attacked by a shark, and they were rooting for the shark. Figures.

Plan B 1/2: Harry went in search of the giant squid. Harry had seen lots of manga of alien octopus things molesting sexy young women before dragging them down into the murky depths, so he piled some yellow seaweed on Ron's head to make him look like Pamela Anderson. But no joy. Squids don't do freckles; who knew? So Harry offered a Chaser chaser; Angelina had been gaining some weight and was getting too big for her britches. Apparently this was good news, as the squid liked his chasers with a bit of a loose caboose, so all was well. Well, maybe not well for Angelina, but she was a team player, so she would understand. There is not I in "I'm feeding you to the giant squid so it will eat Ron's disgusting carcass." OK, maybe there is.

Ultimately, it took Harry cutting Ron into little pieces and conjuring a honey-mustard glaze, but the squid managed to gag Ron down. Satisfied with the success of "Operation: One Less Weasley," Harry grabbed Fleur's hostage and made for the surface. He absently noticed that she looked lovely in her little bikini. He wondered if she batted her eyes.


	4. Circumstances

**Omake for "Circumstances" ( story id = 6672486)**

Omake 1:

_A/N: In this fic, Harry acts an awful lot like a certain psych Dark Lord._

Lord Nott was unimpressed looking at the puffed-up skinny teen. "Really? And who are you Potter to dictate terms to family Lords conducting Family business. Miss Greegrass is not your betrothed. She is contracted into honorable marriage to-"

"Do not call me by that disgusting name! **I. AM. LORD. POTTER-BLACK!**_ Crucio! Crucio!_ I shall feed you to my owl perhaps? Hedwig will dine on your worthless corpse. _Crucio! Avada Kedavra!_ Do You hear that, Hedwig? Squawk! Preck! Hoot!

* * *

Omake 2:

_A/N: The only thins that keeps Ron from becoming a Dark Lord is... well... attention span. There's only so much he can keep in his little brain besides food._

Seamus was sitting happily at the Gryffindor table, eating his breakfast surrounded by his house mates. "A joke, you say? Aye, I've got one. A priest, a nun and a centaur walk into a bar..." He can already see the grins on his house mates. Nuns and centaurs make for the dirtiest jokes. He reaches over to Ron's plate and snags some bacon and a kipper. "Thanks for the bacon my good friend. Anyway, the priest turns to the-"

At first Ron was shocked into silence, his face growing redder and redder until it finally turned puce, the blush coming up to the tips of his ears as it always does in HP-fanfic. Instantly his hand extended into a claw, and an arc of power that only Sith Lords and hungry Weasleys can call up at will. The vast Dark Side energies blasted Seamus into various pieces of repentant Irishman.

"My Breakkies! You stole MY Breakkies. Bacon and kippers form MY plate! Scabbers, come! My precious will feast on Irish stew this very day! Come my sweet twitchy bald fat and lazy rat. Squeak! Squeak! Damn! No rat, Potter chased it off. Pig! Faithful feather-duster of the air! Swallow this Finnian Thief! Hoot! Hoot! Stop flying into the chandelier and swallow him whole. Or at least peck on his pecker. Damn Irish bastard doesn't deserve to bugger anyone after poking my pork! _Crucio! Crucio! Cru-_ Oi, pass those pancakes mate. "


	5. Saturday Potter

**Omake for "Saturday Potter" (story id = 6764732)**

**Omake 1**

_A/N: In Harry Potter fics, whenever a story needs an info dump, Hermione is always willing to oblige. In Scooby-doo, there's always Velma. Maybe Velma was the best they could do back in the '70's, but in the 2010's..._

Fred: Well, Gee gang, what do we do for a Voodou spirit guide of the Dead to use in our Dark Ritual?

Velma: Let's see, if I remember my ancient Voodou and Sympathetic Magic properly-

Shaggy: Like Zoinks. I've already looked it up on Wikipedia using my Verizon wireless.

Scooby: Reah!

**Omake 2**

_A/N: Harry kills Voldie and goes away. But without Harry, The scoobies are kinda stupid. _

Hr: Harry! Thank Merlin! You won't believe what happened! After you killed Voldemort, the snatchers came to the Burrow. They took everybody. Everybody we knew from the Order and the DA. All Kissed! Lucius Malfoy got an Order of Merlin for defending Britain from the Dark Lord and his Gryffindor Minions! They all hid but it did no good. If I hadn't been sitting in plain sight doing some light reading, I shudder to think what might've happened.

Harry: Didn't you all attack the Ministry and overthrow the corrupt politicians?

Hr: Well, we were going to, but first you have to have meetings. And resolutions. It took forever just to get a resolution passed repealing the previous motion on the advisability of taking direct action... Hey, is that Jane Seymour?

**Omake 3**

_A/N: Harry goes away to deal with Voldie his way. But Voldie's not the only problem._

Ever since Dumbedore had died, and Harry Potter had run out on them on his latest damn-fool scheme, the Order of the Phoenix became a mere shadow of it's former self, huddled around a small coffe table in Fred and George's second floor apartment.

McG: Quiet! We finally got world from Potter about what he's been up to since he abandoned us.

Snape: About bloody time. Arrogant brat thinks he can just leave us hanging...

Ron: It's just like the attention seeking git. Make us wait on his Majesty's pleasure.

Hr: At the very least he sould have listened to me and Professor Dumbledore and not run off on this fool's journey. Professor Dumbledore always knew best

McG: Ahem. Yes, well, here goes. "Dear Prof McGonagall, Please read this to the rest of the Order at the next meeting. I had an idea of how to kill Voldemort. But it required specialized training, so that I would be able to do what none of you adults, experts, academics, Aurors and Ministry Officials felt like doing, which was actually taking a stand against the Ministry and the Death Eaters and return violence with violence. Since you were unwilling to do... well, anything... I have made it my business to replace you're unneeded and useless arses in the coming conflict. That being, of course killing Voldemort and replacing the current government in Magical Britain. Thank you for your betrayal and lack of any assistance whatsoever. And, congratulations of this, the occasion of your martyrdom. Harry Potter"

(Cue arrival of 20 snatchers)


	6. The Bogart and the Bridge

**Omake for "The Bogart and the Bridge" (story id = 7453288)**

_A/N: Nobody does creepy like Paimpont. In this story though the ending falls flat, like a ABC Afterschool Special. I wanted to keep the creepy feeling till the very end..._

**Alternate ending**

"I came here once, Eoldwine... when I was a very small girl. I saw you and I was so scared. I ran screaming away," Hermione said to the young apparition.

"Yes, I remember," the ghost replied. "I was so close," the ghost said to herself. "So close."

Hermione looked up puzzled.

"The friar said he'd send me a playmate to spend forever with. A pretty little girl. I was so hoping for a pretty little girl to spend forever with. But the friar never came back and he never brought me a playmate. But sometimes a pretty little girl comes along. One who can see me. One with the devil in her just like me. The friar said the bad girls with the devils in 'em need to pay for their evil by watching over the good folk who cross the bridge. I could sing my song and catch a pretty little girl with the devil in her. Sing my song and I could grab her. But you ran away. You ran away and I couldn't grab you. And I'm still alone."

Hermione shuddered and took a few steps back. The ghost of the dead girl looked up at her with dead looking eyes of chocolate brown, with seaweed in her bushy hair and black teeth filed into points.

_"Take a key and lock her up, lock her up, lock her up. Take a key and lock her up, my fair lady..."_


	7. Tri-Wizard Tales

**Omake for "Tri-Wizard Tales" Chp 1 (story id = 7594305)**

_A/N: Another story where Harry's in league with the dragon. Seriously, the boy's a parselmouth. And if you're not cheating, you're not trying..._

**OMAKE 1**

_A/N: Harry and the Kiska the dragon haggle over the price of of taking a fall. But haggling is half the fun..._

K: 10,000!. Now cast something at me!

H: 10,000? It's not worth a penny over 600 and that's including one of your 1st born!

K: 600? You want to bankrupt me and cast my starving spawn into the street? I will accept no less than 19,000, English 2-legged pig.

H: I'm an English 2-legged** BOY**! **BOY-**who-lived. Not **PIG**! 19,000? My great-grandchildren will be digging through garbage for scraps! Do you want to kill my great-grandchildren? A pestilence on you! I will offer no more than 700 and a genuine Sports Illustrated football phone!

**OMAKE 2**

_A/N: Of course, if we're talking about taking a fall..._

K: I am a great one, a Horntail!

H: You may feel a slight sting. That's pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts. It never helps. You fight through that shit.


	8. The Queen Who Fell to Earth

**Omake for "The Queen Who Fell to Earth", Chp 7 (story id = 7591040)**

_A/N: When I read that there was a recruitment ad in the Prophet for the WDF, I thought of who might be their poster-boy..._

Harry turned to page 4 of the Prophet. There was a full page advert, one page after the nude photo of Page-3 girl Cho Chang. Harry guessed that Cho needed some attention after Cedric dropped out of the Tri-Wizard. Clearly Snape was wrong: Fame really was everything.

There was a picture of Stan Shunpike! Wearing the most hideous pink cardigan with epaulettes, gold braid, piping and chevrons. And a grotesque black bow on his head that looked a bit like Molly Ringwald with a fly on her head. It only took Harry a moment to decide that Stan Shunpike did not look pretty in pink, whether it was the colour of his choice or not. Harry read the Ad:

"Wizards! Cornelius Fudge Wants **YOU**!  
Be a **HERO**!  
See the **ALLEY**!  
Protect your fellow Purebloods from the Filthy Goblin **SCUM**!  
**WOULD YOU LIKE TO LEARN MORE**?

Are you a:

* Loyal citizen of the Ministry,  
* Pureblood wizard with no Filthy Muggle or Beast blood taint for at least 300 years,  
* Received at least an "Acceptable" in any wand course,  
* Fun loving Wizard who enjoys Hunting Goblins, Muggles, Mudbloods, Dragons and Werewolves,  
* Suave, Good-looking, Witch-killer looking for GOLD and ADVENTURE

Be one of the FEW! The PROUD! The WuDuF!"

Harry turned to Wolf and Smelly Dog. "Guys, I think we may be overreacting a bit. This isn't the Army Rangers. More like somebody hit Idi Amin with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. I say we let them assemble somewhere and send the dragons out for some takeout. Dressed like that they won't even object to eating humans. They look a bit like pink toads to me, anyway."


	9. Unspeakable Beauty

**Omake for "Unspeakable Beauty", Chp 6 (story id = 7680982)**

_A/N: You don't need to be a genius to know how to manage geniuses._

After a wonderful night of passion together, Harry held Luna tight against him, with a pensive look on his face.

"Luna?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"You really are far smarter than Hermione, aren't you?"

"We all have our strengths and weaknesses, Harry."

"Yes, but you can discern the difference between the unkown and the unknowable. You seek to know the unknown for the beauty of its discovery, and you seek to appreciate the unknowable for the beauty of its mystery. Hermione sees everything as the unknown, and she will destroy her life seeking to know the unknowable, because the universe is not allowed to keep secrets from her."

"Harry, that's exactly what an Unspeakable does. And that is exactly why Hermione was forced to leave the Department."

"Gods Luna! Hermione would have made a horrible Clotho. She can barely see what's in front of her face if it conflicts with her preconceived ideas. Thank Merlin you people replaced her before she destroyed the world trying to fix the world."

"Exactly what Martin said. Maybe you should have an office in the Department."

"Ha! Only if I can get a Unspeakably cool nickname like, say... Bozo."

"Exactly what Martin said. I'll set up an appointment in the morning."

"Luna, I was joking. I'm way too stupid to work alongside you geniuses. I wouldn't know the first thing about discovering the unknown. Hell, to me everything is the unknown."

"Exactly what Martin said. Wear your navy blue robes."


	10. Hiding in Plain Sight

**Omake for "Hiding in Plain Sight" (story id = 8937860)**

_A/N: Bannister Noody? Ha! I like Sad Sigh Broody..._

Alastor Moody muttered to himself. As if being a 100-year-old war-ravaged auror going undercover in a boarding school wasn't bad enough... having to pass as a wee Hufflepuff firstie? So there he was, standing in his best short pants English school-boy uniform with his magic eye and his peg-leg, pretending to be 11. Thank Merlin for the unbreakable stealth-magic that allowed him to go unoticed... well, except for the muggle-borns who all seem to see through his unbreakable disguise. And couldn't stop laughing at him!

Moody looked over at his fellow Hufflepuffle firsties. While it was true that a hard-boiled undercover copper like himself couldn't really afford to have true friends, he still worried about them. They were so small, naive and easily taken advantage of. Blasted Hogwarts magic! Being sorted in Hufflepuff must've turned him all soft and gooey. At this rate he'd sprout pink hair, fall down stairs, and start singing Kumbaya. Damn undercover shit.

"Look it's simple. Just 'cause we're all soft and gooey in Hufflepuff don't mean the rest of the school plays by the same rules. Slytherins don't care if you've had all your eaten your fill, or gotten your fair share of hugs. They'll take your candy, butt in ahead of you in a queue, tell teachers you cheated-".

Broody suddenly stopped his tirade as he saw several Hufflepuff firsties start to hiccup, while others were already all-out crying. God, it was like telling a bunch of toddlers there's no Santa Claus. On second thought, it was like telling a bunch of Hufflepuff firsties there's no Santa Claus. Then Sad-Sigh Broody let out a long sad sigh. "Look, just remember to protect yourselves, cause the other Houses won't protect you." This just brought out more tears and hiccups. Then Broody seemed to brood on the injustice of the criminally naive for a moment before sighing at them quite sadly. "And for God's sake, let's be careful out there."


	11. Hermione's Choice

**Omake for "Hermione's Choice", Chp 1 (story id = 8963662)**

_A/N: In the story, Hermione asks if she could get into St Trinnian's. Yeah, because girls really want to go to St Trinnian's_

Hermione was in the 12 yr old girls' dormitory talking to her new Trinnian classmates. Merlin, she was going to have to lie about everything about Hogwarts. "At my old school, they made us take chemistry. One of my classmates, this really chubby boy, messed up so badly he blew up his lab station."

"TNT or porcupine quills?" asked a pretty girl in a very tiny nightie.

Hermione eyes widened in shock. "How do you know about porcupine quills?"

"Relax, Granger. A lot of us here are witches. You do a little accidental magic and the damned school psychologists label you a nutter or arsonist and ship you off here. And once you're here nobody cares what happens to you. It's like you fell off the side of the world. I was up for Cheltenham Ladies' when my magic got away from me and turned the classroom pink and yellow. Next day I was declared a troublemaker and shipped off here. No Cheltenham, no scholarship, no Oxford. And to top it off, some bloody Ministry of Magic bloke came into the class, fixes everybody's memories so they don't remember the magic but DO remember it's my fault. Wankers!" complained the pretty girl in the barely existent pajamas.

Hermione bristled. "Grrr. Some bastard pureblood protecting the Statute of Secrecy and also making sure to keep the Mudblood out of Hogwarts. And deny you knowledge or training about magic. So, what? The older witches teach the younger ones?"

"Kinda, except all the girls learn about potions and plants. Every girl should know how to grow cannibis, or poppies, or mescaline. And even the normal girls like Jackie over there can whip up a pretty good calmiing draught, or dreamless sleep, or contraceptus, or hangover potion. Can't tell you how great it is to take exams under a calming draught. Or kidnapping one of those hot local boys in town with a little dreamless sleep. Yummy." said the very busty Head Girl with a glazed look in her eye.

Hermione blushed right up to her hairline. "So do the staff know about us?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah, but it's pretty much 'don't ask, don't tell'. Frisson doesn't care about anything but getting revenge on the Deputy Minister of Education, so we pretty much do what we want. Of course, a diploma from good old St Trinnian's isn't going to get you into any university. But the older girls have set up a mentoring system. When we get out of here we go work for the Bambino family-", a redhead in braids explained.

"Bambino!" Hermione gasped. Bambino controlled most of the drugs, gambling, prostitution, and human trafficking in the Midlands. And unofficially responsible for over 300 murders, 75 kidnappings, 5 hijackings, and 25 dead inverstigators in the Crown Prosecutor's office.

"Unless you'd rather be an cocktail waitress at The Lumpy Stumpy? Their cock, your tail, if you catch my drift. It's not like you'll ever be a doctor or lawyer any more. Mr Bambino is always on the make for a talented off-the-books witch to finesse some of their special projects." piped in the Head Girl.

"Special projects like murder and kidnappings?"

"What do you care? They sent you to Trinnian's. They deserve what they get, no?"


	12. Harry Potter and the Love Letter

**Omake for "Harry Potter and the Love Letter", Chp3 (story id = 7981357)**

_A/N: Future!Harry corresponds with 1994!Hermione. Yes, he's dating Ginny now, and Hermione's dating Ron. But, well, Emma's much prettier than Bonnie. Now if Harry can just make 1994!Hermione see the light..._

Dearest Hermione:

My name is Harry Potter, the year is 2001 and I'm 21. At this moment, I'm engaged to Ginny and you're engaged to Ron. Despite the fact that I'm very happy with Ginny, and you are getting married this month, I think you should tell the 14 year old version of me how you feel. After all, we all know teen love affairs are deep, powerful and forever. It says so in "Teen Witch Weekly", and Lavender says so, and she's had loads of deep meaningful forever relationships in the past month alone.

I understand that Harry is the most important person in your life. And as you probably already know, you were the most important person in my life at the time... after all, you were the only person still talking to me. So you certainly understand how essential it is that you express your feelings to mini-Me at this time. After all, Harry is isolated, derided by everyone, insecure, inexperienced with girls, terrified of being eaten by a dragon, and afraid of losing his last remaining friend. So what he needs is a sweet girl to kiss him and put all his problems in perspective by giving him a another problem to worry and brood about.

Oh, and don't feel like a home wrecker or a bad friend for stealing your best friend's fiance. You know what they say: it's not cheating if your girlfriend is in a different zip code, or separated by ... say ... 7 years. Also, I have a photo of you that you sent last year... you're seriously HOT. I know that you're going through a typical teenaged girl body issues, but yout teeth are straight, your hair is lovely, you grew nice tits and an amazing ass. You're so much hotter than Ginny that it's not funny. Did I mention your amazing ass?

Now here's the important part though: Remember last year with the time-turner? Terrible things happen to wizards who mess with time. So whatever you do, DO NOT tell Dumbledore anything that I'm letting you know! You must protect the timelines at all costs! Do not tell Dumbledore that the Castle will be destroyed by trolls in 3 years in a Final Battle with a resurrected Voldemort. And don't tell him that Snape murders him in 2 years either... You must protect the timelines. But it's OK to tell mini-Me about the dragons and the other tasks... that's what girlfriends do. And you DO want to be a good girlfriend, don't you? Oh, and it's OK to date me and make-out... cause that's what good girlfriends do too. Oh and remember to ask Harry if you can polish his broomstick sometime. Little Harry needs some loving too.

Now, even though you kissed your Harry before the 1st task and are now dating mini-Me in 1994, I'm still engaged to Ginny in 2001. That means somehow you weren't emphatic enough in your attempts to woo me. So perhaps you should step things up a bit. I'll know immediately when you do, since future events will inexplicably shift and I'll be engaged to you while Ginny ends up with ... I don't know... hope it's not Ron. He's a bit of a loser now and anyway brother and sister is just eww!

Of course if the timelines do shift and I'm engaged to you now, I might not remember being engaged to Ginny anymore. That's OK too, because you so much hotter than Ginny it's not funny. In that case you might have to remind me in a future letter that I used to be engaged to Ginny, just so I know that I dodged a bullet there and almost ended up married with that saggy-titted big-ass.

One last thing: Make sure that whatever happens and however much Ron bats his eyes or whines or whatever, mini-Me doesn't forgive him and becomes best buddies again. Seriously, you and Harry NEED to get rid of Ron. All he does for the next 7 years is put us down, betray us, and 'almost get us killed. OK, I might have almost gotten us killed a few times too, but it was probably Ron's fault in the end. After all, I'm Chief Auror with 200 men in my command, and Ron's ... well... not.

Remember to give some loving to big and little Harry's.

Love, Harry


	13. The Calling

**Omake for "The Calling" (story id = 10582957) **

_A/N: The omake that started this collection. Thanks Luan._

_A/N: Luan writes a story about how Ron is a secret Ministry assassin taking out the trash. As if? This is Ron we're talking about._

* * *

Ron was starting to get a little concerned. Not desperate, you understand. He still had Hermione out on the street working 60 hours a week to pay for the food and rent and food. And the Cannons tickets and the food. Maybe he could ask one of his school brods if they needed a job done. Nothing hard, of course... he weren't no Puff. Maybe something nice and Gryffindor-like, like sitting at a desk and yelling at the proles to work harder. Yeah, he could do that. Proper Lion job for a proper Lion.

"Well, Ron, I'd like to help you out - Merlin knows I would - but I don't have any 'proper Lion jobs' available, whatever they are. But I did hear about a Slytherin rolled into town flashing some gold looking for some muscle. You might try there."

Ron stared at his brod for a few moments. Clearly Perce knew what proper Lion's work was, so he couldn't be suggesting that he be a goon. Ron work for a Snake? Nah, that wasn't it. Wait, did he say gold? Oh yeah, now THAT makes sense. Just go and get the gold. Cool, he could do that. He weren't no Puff.

He could do this. Ron figured it'd be just like his undercover days working with Harry. He'd sneak up on the Snake and get his gold. First he thought he'd use his invisibility cloak, but then he remembered he didn't have an invisibility cloak, so he decided to wear a disguise instead. He ripped a strip of cloth off one of his old school robes, poked a couple of holes in the cloth for his eyes and tied it around his head. Ha! With this mask no one would ever recognize him! He could be like a hero. Yeah, a super hero because Ron was a super guy.

Ron made his way down to Knockturn, where all the Snakes and scumbags hung out. Lucky he knew all about the secrets of the criminal mind. He walked up to the closest rich Slytherin (Gods how many were there anyway?) and said in a gruff voice that didn't sound whiny or nothing:

"I hear you're looking for some muscle." Ron said.

The Slimy Snake looked him over and said: "Yeah, and I'm still looking. You don't have an inch of muscle on you, Weaselbee."

Damn! Who ratted him out? This was bad. What kind of dark magic mojo did these Snakes have anyway?

"What are you talking about? I'm no Weaselbee! I am... umm... El Frito Bandito!"

"Yeah and I'm El Cheetos Barritos. Ya got red hair, freckles, and a red homemade mask with 'Property of Ron Weasley' written on it."

"Snakespit!" Ron looked around for someone to save him like Harry always does, but Harry wasn't around. So he grabbed in his robes for his wand and pointed it at the Snake's eyes. Suddenly the Snake started yelling and crying and hopping around.

"Ow! Fuck, fuck. You poked me in my eye with that fucking thing. Ow, shit I can't see, you stupid shit for brains Gryff. I'll-" and then the Snake stumbled about, tripped over his own robes, crashed through the window of Borgin and Burkes and fell into a display case marked "Evile Cursed Objects Moste Foule" and exploded into a thousand pieces. Just as Ron was gonna high tail it away from there he got beaned in the head with a pair of dragon hide boots and a bag full of gold.

"Yes! Now that's what I'm talking 'bout! Proper Lion job. Who says money doesn't grow on trees anyway? Or dragon hide boots. Just turn them upside-down and shake out the feet and we're good to go."

Perce has all the best ideas.


	14. The Magic in Ordinary

**OMake for "The Magic in Ordinary" Maybe Chp20 (story id = 7954706)**

_A/N: Talent Night at Hogwarts. What a savior to do? Well, make fun of himself. And who better to do it with than 2 other kids who were actually named after him?_

After a evening of "talent" ranging from the sublime to the ridiculous to the hideously painful, it was finally the "Three Harry's" turn to present their skit. Bellwood and Bailey were center stage holding a very hushed and obviously very important conversation, when Potter enters stage left. Potter walks up to the other Harry's and starts talking.

"Hello. I saw you all standing around, and I was wondering-" Potter said.

"Excuse me! Who bleeding invited you? We're holding a very important conversation that affects the entire world as we know it. It's very hush-hush and a great deal more important than you'll ever be, so would you kindly get the hell out of my face and move it."

"Excuse me!" Potter said, highly offended.

"Do you know who I am?" the other boy said.

"Umm, no."

"I'm the Boy-who-Slipped!" Here the boy points to his forehead. "See that bruise? That's from when I slipped. Right outside of McGonagall's classroom. That makes me special, see. And my name, Harry Bellwood. Just rolls off the tongue, don't it? Though I'm thinking of changing it... to Harry Smellsgood. I'm thinking it'll really bring in the ladies if they know I bathe occasionally."

"Umm, OK. What bruise?"

"Oi! This bruise right-" Bellwood looks in a mirror. "Sod it all, it's gone. Now I have to slip outside of McGonagall's classroom all over again. Bugger."

The other boy just shakes his head in disgust.

"Forget about him. I'm Harry Bailey. Otherwise known as the Boy-who-Dibbed."

"The Boy-who-Dibbed?" Potter asked incredulously.

"Yeah. I call dibs on things, so now they're mine. Like those glasses on you nose. Dibs! Now hand 'em over."

"What!"

"Yer specs. Hand 'em over. I called dibs, they're mine now."

"They most certainly are not! I've had these poor excuse for optometry for seven years now. They're butt ugly and utterly worthless, but they're the best I've got and I don't fancy falling down a flight of stairs just so you can call dibs on glasses that you don't want and you can't use. "

"Look whatever yer name is... I don't know you and I don't want to know you. But I'm the Boy-who-Dibbed, and part of that is actually grabbing things I've dibbed. "

"Well, I'm Harry Potter, I'm the Boy-who-Lived."

"Boy-who-Lived? Look, whatever your name is... I'm alive, Harry Bellwood over here is alive. Even Harry Pimplepliers over there is alive. Just being alive ain't all that impressive. I can pretty much guarantee that 9 out of 10 Harry's I can point to are probably alive. That kinda brings you unique-ness factor way down. Now if you were dead, well that might be something, you understand. I mean, how many dead Harry's go to Hogwarts and want to join our way cool club?"

"Look, that's the whole point. I lived. I survived the unsurvivable killing curse. That's why I'm the Boy-who-lived."

"You survived the unsurvivable killing curse?"

"Yes!"

"The curse that no one survives?"

"Yes!"

"Look, if no one survives the killing curse, then _ipso facto_ neither can you. It's just bloody logical. Either the killing curse isn't unsurvivable, or you weren't hit by it. You can't have it both ways."

"That's rather the whole point. I-"

"You got witnesses?"

"Witnesses?" Potter screeched scandalized.

"Yeah. People who actually saw you survive the killing curse. People who can corroborate your statement."

"Well, they were all killed."

"Yeah, yeah... by the unsurvivable killing curse, I know. That's awfully convenient, wouldn't you say? You and a bunch of people are hit by the unsurvivable killing curse and everyone dies except you, because you're special. But nobody actually witnessed this 'according to Hoyle' miracle because... well they're all dead. Killed by that very same unsurvivable killing curse that you survived. Well, bad luck. The only bunch of people on the whole bleeding planet that could have testified to this amazing miracle and they're all dead."

"That's the whole point-"

"Look, kid. What's you name again?"

"Harry! Harry Potter!"

"Right. Look, Larry. The god's honest truth is that you're not really the hero type. You're too short. Too scrawny. Too, well... honestly, you're too ugly. You just don't measure up. First, 'Larry' is an OK name for average people, I suppose. I wouldn't know, I've never been average. But heroes need a proper heroic name, like 'Harry'. And 'Potter'... please. It's so common. Who would even pay any attention to a name like that?"

"Now see here-"

"Look, Larry. I'd be doing you a right favor by talking you out of this hero fixation you have. Truly, you're just not cut out for it. Not in the stars, you might say. Now we might have an opening for a sidekick in a few weeks... our present sidekick is getting a bit too big for his britches. Happens to the best of them. Hang out too much with the heroes and they start to think it rubs off. Well newsflash! It don't! Once a sidekick, always a sidekick. It's all you are and all you ever will be. So get used to the facts and stop all this Boy-who-Lived nonsense."

"Sidekick!"

"Yeah. Maybe. Depends on the turn-out for the advert we posted on the bulletin board. No promises you understand. And if someone like say Cedric Diggory shows up then all bets are off, cause he's almost cool enough to be a hero... well he would be if his name wasn't Cedric. Poncy pouf of a name. And Diggory... don't get me started. But otherwise, I'll put in a good word for you. It'll cost you though."

"How much?"

"Yer bleeding specs. I told you I had dibs."


	15. Bolts From the Blue

**Omake for "Bolts from the Blue" Chapter 10 (story id= 10362319)**

_A/N: After everything Harry has seen and done... well, you don't get to be Head Auror and Master of Death without learning to avoid a few land mines..._

* * *

9 Sept 2017  
Hermione and Ron's House

"So you've lost your job?" asked Hermione.  
"Susan's like a small dog with a bone. She'll chew and chew and dig and dig until she convinces herself that this is some great right wing conspiracy. She'll tie up half of the Department with this case and either have me fired in disgrace or sent Azkaban. God, I hate Hufflepuffs. They take one small little offense and build it up in their minds till it's the Dumbledore Assassination. And they're so sanctimonious about it." Harry ranted.  
"So what are you going to do?" Ginny asked.  
"Same thing I always do. Take care of it. Make the problem disappear." Harry sighed.  
"Harry..." Hermione said.  
"I'm sorry, Hermione. I really am. But Susan just became a threat. And Ron just became a liabilty." Harry pulled out an old time turner from under his shirt. "Ten days ought to do it."

== scene break ==

4 Sept 2017  
Ministry of Magic Plenary Hall

The State Funeral was officious and stuffy, as all state affairs end up being. A Mexican standoff followed by a firefight on Platform 9 3/4 that left three people dead. Draco Malfoy pulled out his old Death Eater mask and screamed some drivel about Pureblood Supremacy and the return of the Dark Lord, then he started firing killing curses into the crowd. Malfoy was able to hit Director Bones in the back with a killing curse. Quickly, Harry erected several huge stone walls in front of the students and parents, and single handedly saved the lives of most of the civilians present. Ron leapt in front of deadly curses and heroically saved the life of the Minister's granddaughter, before he and Harry took Malfoy down in a hail of reductos. But when the smoke cleared, Ron sadly succumbed to his injuries and died right there on the Platform seconds later.

After many, many officious officials made their pointless speaches and got their photos in the Prophet, the Minister called Harry and Hermione up to the front of the Hall. Harry was awarded his third Order of Merlin, FC; Hermione received Ron's posthumous Order of Merlin as the grieving widow. As Ginny led a shell-shocked Hermione back to her seat, the Minister whispered in Harry's ear that the Ministry needed to appear strong and in control during this time of public panic. Harry was immediately appointed DMLE Director. A year later Harry would be elected Minister for Magic in the greatest landslide in seven centuries. The management team of Potter, Potter, Granger and Zeller would rule Wizarding Britain for the next 72 years until Headmaster Longbottom retired in 2090. Hermione always said she wanted to follow McG as Deputy Headmistress. And Lily Luna had been eyeing the Minister's chair since the first time Harry let her sit in it when she was 12.

And serendipitously following Bill's untimely death, Harry now had four wives to serve as Head of the various Houses. Seriously, Bill had Fleur for 93 years... he should've learned to share.

== scene break ==

1 Sept 2090  
Hogwarts, Headmaster's Office

"Hello, Susan."  
The shade of Susan Bones, forever 38 years old, was spitting mad.  
"You bastard!"  
"You didn't really think I would let you ruin my life because Ron cheated on a driving exam, did you? Hell, half the muggles I know cheated on their driving exams."  
"He cheated! He's a cheater! And you let him you filthy cheating cheater!"  
"God, Susan, you're such an idiot Hufflepuff. All passion, no street smarts. I'm the Master of Death. I've personally put down 18 insurrections and Dark Movements in defense of King and Country. Whatever did you think would happen when you threatened me?"  
"Headmistress Sprout will-"  
"Sprout's dead, thank God. Look at the mess she made in the three years she sat in this office before I took care of her. Damn, it's gonna take me 50 years to undo the damage Sprout did to this school with her goody-goody nickpicking. I just thought I'd let you know that Lily's Minister now. I'm thinking of keeping it the family. Like, forever. Sorry about killing off your daughter, but you Bones's are just too annoying to keep around. Oh, don't look at me like that. You brought it all on yourself. Anyway, see you around, Suzy."

Harry dropped the Resurrection Stone in his pocket, and Susan Bones disappeared. Harry looked around Dumbledore's office... his office now. Four loving and loyal wives, a Potter-led era of peace and prosperity, and the Fall of Hufflepuffs everywhere. All was very well indeed.


	16. More than Equal

**Omake for "More than Equal" Chapter 7 (story id = 11764057)**

_A/N: This is one of those stories where Hermione joins Ron in hating Harry after the GoF incident. What's an unrepentant Harmonian to do? Well, this._

_A/N2: Songfics used to be really popular on this site 10 years ago. I've never actually written a songfic, but it is true that some of my stuff seems to have a song lyric in there somewhere. For me, songs allow the muggle-raised a way to connect to the muggle culture around them, even if they are stuck in Hogwarts._

* * *

Harry was just passing by a bathroom when he heard sobbing and sniffing from inside. 'Deja vu, all over again.' Harry frowned. 'Of course. Ron strikes again.' Well, there was nothing for it, Harry decided. He couldn't walk away from Hermione crying now anymore than he could three years ago.

Harry entered the bathroom and walked up to the toilet stall that a 15 year old Hermione Granger was crying in. Putting on his most posh London voice, Harry spoke in an exasperated tone. "What is it with you, Hermione? The sun rises, the birds fly, and Hermione Granger runs to the bathroom to cry in the loo. Oh, Loo-Hoo! Loo-Hoo! What am I to do with you?"

"Go away, Harry!"

"I bet you weren't expecting to find me! You seek me here, you seek me there; you seek this sexy beast everywhere. Am I in Heaven, or in the abbotoir? That damned elusive, Moi!" The whole bit was said in a 1930's Noel Coward voice, except the very last word which was an exact dead-ringer for Miss Piggy.

Hermione snorted. Good, maybe he could nip this whole incident in the bud. Harry cast his memory back to primary school, to the beaten up ukelele his music teacher thrust at him while she gave all the other students shiny new violins and flutes and clarinets. Well, those useless ukelele lessons can pay for themselves today. Raising his wand, Harry transfigured his handkerchief into that old ukelele, and started to play. Changing his voice to match Kermit the Frog, Harry sang.

**"Why are there so many songs about rainbows**  
**And what's on the other side**  
**Rainbows are visions**  
**But only illusions**  
**And rainbows have nothing to hide"**

Hermione started to smile in spite of herself. Her favorite childhood song from her favorite childhood movie. This was the Harry she knew; always cheering her up after someone made her cry.

**"So we've been told**  
**And some choose to believe it**  
**I know they're wrong, wait and see**  
**Some day we'll find it**  
**The rainbow connection**  
**The lovers, the dreamers, and me"**

Harry came for her, just like a fairy tale prince, to save her just like he did back when she was 12. And then Hermione's world collapsed. Harry was the same kind, thoughful, wonderful boy who protected her and kept her safe. What changed? Not Harry, Harry's the same. She changed! Hermione changed, and grew nasty and untrusting and turned against the best friend she loved. She betrayed her Harry! She caused all this pain. She sided with the faithless idiot masses instead of siding with her Harry against the world.

Before, she only thought she cried, only thought she was sad. But now she _hurt_. Hermione fell to the tile floor and cried bitter tears of self hatred and recrimination, interspersed with shrieks and howls of pain and suffering. For the boy she betrayed, for the love she discarded, for the lies she embraced.

Harry watched as she went wild with grief. He started to panic, but then calmed down. She finally understood. She realized what she had done and what she had given up. And it was tearing her apart. Hary put down the ukelele and picked Hermione off the floor. She barely noticed, she just buried her face in his tuxedo and kept shrieking and bawling. So Harry held her and stroked her hair while she cried out her regret.

When her cries slowed, Harry conjured a lily and placed it behind her ear. He threw a spell at the forgotten ukelele and caused it to play the same song he played earlier.

"Hermione, dance with me."

"I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you."

"I seem to recall a certain broom last year." He put his arms around her and started moving. Since she was buried in his shirt and caught in his arms, she movied as well.

Hermione shook her head wildly. "Not the same." He twirled her around.

"No it's not. So don't do it again." He dipped her.

She continued to shake her head but smile a little. "Never. Never again. We need to leave." She looked up into his eyes.

"Yeah, it is getting late."

"No, Britain, the wizards, everything."

"I know. After the third task. Have your trunk packed and shrunken in your pocket. Leave a decoy in your dorm, along with some old stuff you won't miss leaving behind."

"You have a plan?"

"Always. Just you and me. Tell no one. Trust no one."


End file.
